Sunday, January 02, 2011

Letting Go and Letting God...

I've struggled very hard recently with turning a burden over to God. As my husband's health has deteriorated over the past year, I've seen him turn his focus inward. His life revolves around how he's feeling every moment of the day. He is constantly looking at his Oximeter to check his oxygen level and his pulse rate, even when he's not struggling. He gets out of breath easily...doing even the simplest things like walking across the floor. It hurts me to watch the decline.
Mostly, it hurts me to watch him focusing on the decline so closely. He doesn't look for things to raise his spirits, or for activities that can engage his mind, or make him smile. Instead, he sits in a chair, occasionally looking at television and every five to ten minutes checking his Oximeter.
He talks constantly about what he's feeling at the moment.
He reads his paper, while keeping his focus on that Oximeter.
He doesn't seem interested in getting cleaned up or changing clothes. And he never feels like going out of the house, though he has portable oxygen.
He's always been an active person and thrives in being in contact with other people, but now he's become a self-inflicted hermit.
I've tried talking to him, tried making suggestions, even went so far as to hide the Oximeter at one time. I've prayed with him and for him.
I don't know what else to do. I can't bear to sit and watch him, and I can't change his attitude. I've talked to God and asked for His guidance, for His intervention, and I've asked God to take over the burden. I know I have to let go and let God, but it is so difficult to know that I cannot change things, nor can I control the outcome. This is entirely in God's hands.
So, I cry, and I hide my tears, suffering in silence while my world is crashing.

4 comments:

greenduckie13 said...

I'm so sorry you're both going through this. Talking to a therapist might be helpful for both of you.

Linda said...

Carol Ann it is so hard to watch those we love suffer and my heart goes out to you. It must be difficult for him too because I am thinking he is maybe frightened.
You will get through this - no matter what the outcome, but I am hoping and praying that something may touch his heart and brighten his days and yours.

Holding you close,

Love and hugs,

Linda.

Delia Latham said...

Nothing is harder than watching someone we love going through a difficult situation especially when it is beyond our power to "fix" it for them. But you're right - sometimes God uses those situations to teach us to simply "Be still, and know" that He is God. Trust. Let go, and let God. When prayer is all we can do, we turn to God in earnest, and in our weakness, He can be made strong.

You and your hubby are in my prayers.

Carol Ann said...

Thanks all for your kind words of support. I think I'm just a bit depressed today. The holidays have been difficult, but we'll get through this. I'm hoping when he's off the medications he's been on since before Christmas, that he'll feel a bit better. I believe the meds are making it harder for him to breathe. We read the side effects and this is one of them. I am leaning on God's strong arms.